Pensieve of the Prince
by AsItBegan
Summary: Severus Snape realizes that he might not survive the war and decides to take the time to come to terms with his life. To do this, he must relive every memory, painful and joyous, that he has stored within his pensieve, untouched, for so long. In the end, the memories will either give him the strength needed to push through or ultimately be his undoing.
1. Going Back

Prologue

Severus Snape stared down into the swirling silvery blue substance that held many of his memories, both good and bad. He took a deep breath. Snape knew that he very well might not make it out of this battle and he knew that the battle was coming soon. The Dark Lord had been getting anxious and Snape's Dark Mark burned almost all the time now. This could quite possibly be his last chance to review everything that had led up to this point; every mistake, every happy encounter, every death. This could be the last chance for him to make sense of it all. Feeling the weight of what he was doing pressing down on his very soul, Snape looked into the stone basin and prepared himself to relive events that he swore to banish from his mind forever. Snape never had been good at keeping promises.

* * *

AN: Hello there, thanks for giving this a chance! The characters and timeline of this story will not be entirely accurate to the book but I will try to keep it as close as possible. The chapters will be relatively short (probably around 1,000 words) but as I plan for it to be episodic, I think it will work out. Please let me know what you think!


	2. Lily of the Valley

Lily of the Valley

Severus walked through the tall wheatgrass that grew alongside the small lake that lay not far from his house. As the clouds shifted, a ray of light lit the girl who sat cross-legged underneath the willow tree. She was in the process of braiding her long red hair and Severus watched for a minute before stepping forward.

Without turning, the girl said, "Hey, Sev."

Severus smiled. "Hi, Lily," he replied, moving closer. "How do you always know I'm there?"

Lily grinned. "I've known you forever," she said in way of explanation. She gave him a sideways look. "I guessed."

They laughed and Lily tucked her knees to her chest.

"It's hard to believe that we're going back already, isn't it?" she asked, gazing out over the lake, or more accurately, large pond.

"Yeah, it is," Severus agreed, twisting his hands in the plush grass. "They say everything changes fourth year."

Lily scoffed. "Who says that? What's going to change?"

"Classes, friends, people," Severus told her.

"Sev, I've never known you to put stock in what other people say," Lily said dismissively. "Besides, we'll always be best friends, right? Remember, we swore."

Severus looked at her and smiled. "I remember. I still have your gold hair ribbon."

"And I still have your black rock with that little hole in the center." She teased him lightly, "_That_ was your prized possession? Really?"

Severus gave her a look. "Yours was a ragged piece of cloth."

"Hey, it was pretty!" she said indignantly, pushing him forcefully. They both fell back onto the bank in a fit of laughter.

Severus and Lily lay there a while, staring up at the sunlight filtering through the trees and casting dancing shadows on the tree trunks. The wind was gentle, just enough to make the leaves rustle. After a long period of silence, Lily sat up abruptly.

"Come on, Sev. Let's go for a walk."

"Okay," he agreed readily, hopping up to follow her down a winding path through the woods. "Where are we going?"

"I just found this shortcut to my house," Lily said. "It comes out in that little patch of trees by my backyard. Neat, huh?"  
"Yeah," Severus replied, trying to keep up with her light and graceful steps. Watching Lily move lithely through the trees, Severus realized that he didn't care one whit where they were going, as long as it was the two of them going there together. This was the way it should be, he felt. This was where he belonged.

The trees began to thin and suddenly, Lily came to a halt. She held up a hand and Severus stopped behind her, almost tripping over a root.

"I thought I heard someone," Lily whispered.

"Who's there?" a familiar, slightly whiny voice called.

Lily immediately eased and hurried forward into the clearing that was her backyard. "Tuney!" she called in greeting as she came forward. Severus followed at a distance.

Petunia backed away instinctively. "What are you doing in there?" she asked suspiciously.

"Going for a walk," Lily replied casually.

"With _him_?" Petunia asked, narrowing her eyes at Severus, seeming starkly disapproving.

Lily sighed. "Tuney, I've told you a thousand times: Sev is really nice. Don't be mean."

"It doesn't count as being mean if he's a freak," Petunia said petulantly.

Severus, for his part, didn't care one way or another. He was used to people, namely Black and Potter, being mean to him and so it was nothing new. As for Petunia in particular, he had never really cared for her. He merely put up with her antics now and again for Lily. Lily still tried even though Severus would have given up on her long ago as a hopeless cause.

"Petunia," Lily scolded, reaching for her arm.

Petunia backed away. "Don't touch me. You're a freak too, you know." With that, Petunia turned and ran back to the house, leaving Lily with her arm still outstretched.

Lily turned back to face the forest, eyes glistening. "Come on," she said weakly, stumbling into the forest.

Severus followed close behind, worried about her but not knowing what to say to comfort her. As he had learned with his mother, he was no use at comforting crying women.

Lily's foot caught on a root and she stumbled, wavering first forward, then ending up falling backwards. Quick with his hands, Severus caught her before she hit the ground. He spied a nearby stump and led her to it. By now, Lily had broken into tears, wiping them away furiously with her hand, though the effort was futile. Severus sat her down on the stump and took a seat next to her. She leaned into his shoulder and cried. Feeling uncomfortable because he didn't know how to comfort her, Severus put an arm across her shoulder and rubbed her arm gently.

Severus was far too close. He could smell her hair and feel the hot tears soaking into the shoulder of his shirt. He closed his eyes and allowed her to cry. For the moment, simply being there for her was enough.

* * *

Snape stood in between the trees watching the scene unfold. He saw Lily crying and himself there, comforting her. Pain acute, he turned away, willing the scene to dissolve.


	3. Headlong

Headlong

"Are you coming, Sev?" Lily asked from in between two bookshelves in the library.

"Yeah," he replied, sounding a bit annoyed. "Just give me fifteen minutes."

"Alright," she said with a sigh. "I'll wait for you down in the courtyard, then."

"Okay," Severus replied, not looking up. At the moment, Hogsmeade was not very high on his list of priorities. He moved a long finger to follow a sentence in the potions book that he was using.

_Hornbeam roots work as catalysts in noncorrosive potions while they stop reactions in potions involving antisemerial ingredients such as lavender, billywig stings and knotgrass._

Severus frowned. He simply could not make sense of that. After puzzling over it for a moment, Severus became aware of someone standing to his left, watching him. He looked up sharply, brushing his long back hair from his eyes.

"Can I help you?" he asked the older Slytherin.

"Perhaps," Avery replied, pulling out a chair and sitting unceremoniously. "I hear you're the best at potions."

"One of the best, yes," Severus said stiffly, thinking of Lily.

"We don't count Gryffindor mudbloods in our tally," Avery replied with a sneer.

Severus swallowed, wondering if Avery could read his thoughts.

"We are in need of some... difficult potions. Can you brew them?" Avery asked, lowering his voice and leaning forward.

Severus thought for a moment. "Difficult as in restricted?"

"Yes," Avery replied, raising a brow. "Is that a problem?"

Severus always loved a challenge. And he had always hated rules. "No." He returned to thinking about the original question. "It depends on the potion. There are quite a few I could brew, yes."

"Say I give you a book, you could mark the ones you can do."

"Okay," Severus heard himself agree. "But if they're restricted, I won't have the ingredients to brew them."

Avery waved a hand dismissively. "It isn't an issue." He stood abruptly, withdrawing a thin, battered book from his pack and setting it on the table. "Come down to the common room at two o'clock tomorrow morning. There are some people I want you to meet properly, if you're going to be working with us."

"Am I?" Severus asked, overwhelmed by the speed with which this was moving. He had no idea what he had just agreed to.

Avery put his hands on the tabletop and leaned down to whisper to Severus, "I think you'll like it. We can give you the power you've always dreamed of. We can make you popular, successful, respected, _feared_. We can give you glory."

A chill ran down Severus's back. Those words had struck at his very core, offering his deepest desires. In a quiet voice, he responded, "And can you teach me how to read minds?"

Avery drew away with a grin. "That and so much more."

"I'll be there."

* * *

The scene morphed from the library to the Slytherin common room and Snape stood in the shadows, remembering how he had felt. Reliving it like this, he could remember his every thought. Only now, he wished that he had not thought that way; he wished that he could change what had happened on this night, the night where the end began.

* * *

Severus was pushed roughly into the chair that sat in front of the fire. He was then surrounded by three older boys, two of which he recognized as Avery and Mulciber. With their backs to the fire, the flickering flame framed them with an eerie glow and Severus forced himself not to fidget.

"Did you bring the book?" Avery asked.

"Yes," Severus replied, offering it up.

Avery accepted it and started leafing through. He looked up after a moment and gestured to the other two. "This is Mulciber and that's Crabbe."

Severus looked at the two who stared at him with mild disdain.

"He's a fourth year," Mulciber complained to Avery in a whisper that carried.

"He's the best potion maker in the school," Avery replied.

"I thought you said _I _was the best," a shrill voice said from across the room. Severus turned as a fifth year whom he had seen around the common room stalked over. Her curly dark hair was wild and it half obscured her pout.

"We need you for other things, Bella," Avery replied. He seemed to be their leader. "Or do you not want to be involved anymore?"

"No, I do," she replied quickly. Bellatrix gave Severus a long appraising look. Her lip turned up slightly and she turned to face the fire, arms crossed and head high.

Avery continued flipping pages. "You can really brew Parvalli's Potion?"

"I think so," Severus replied. In truth, he was afraid he had over-exaggerated his skills. Anything that he thought he could figure out, Severus had marked. He hoped that he hadn't gotten himself in over his head.

Avery looked impressed and Bella shot him a look. Crabbe cleared his throat.

"Are we taking him with us?" he asked.

_Where?_ Severus wondered, beginning to panic. He kept his face a carefully blank mask, however; a skill that he had learned to protect himself for when his father yelled at him.

"No, not yet," Avery replied, apparently annoyed with his foolishness. "He has to prove himself first."

"He'll have to when we take him," Mulciber pointed out.

"He has to prove himself to _me_," Avery replied sharply. He shut the book and handed it back to Severus. "I'll get you the ingredients for Weedosoros and Parvalli's Potion. Brew them and meet us here next Tuesday at the same time. That's a week from now."

"What happens then?" Severus risked asking.

Avery considered him in the light of the fire. "You said that you wanted power, correct?"

"Yes," Severus breathed instantly. _You're worthless, _Severus's father's voice echoed in his head. _You'll die miserable, you little-_ Severus shook himself. "More than anything," Severus added. He would prove his father wrong.

Avery grinned and Mulciber looked strangely approving. "We'll introduce you to the people who can help you get it."

Severus believed him. He couldn't wait.

Avery straightened. "That is, if you have what it takes."

In that moment, Severus knew that he would do whatever it took to earn their approval. He pushed his misgivings aside and rushed headlong into the unknown.


	4. Step On Me

Step on Me

_The Astronomy tower at midnight. Be there and bring your broom._

Even without a signature, Severus knew who the note was from. His palms broke out in a cold sweat and doubt blossomed in his mind. After providing Avery with the potions he had requested a little over two months ago, Severus had heard nothing and thought that perhaps they had decided not to "take him along". He was beginning to believe that was a good thing. Now, the sweat on his hands curling the thin parchment, Severus realized that he had been wishing this moment would never come. There was no way to back out now, however.

With a sigh, Severus leaned his broom against the wall beside his bed. He grabbed his thickest cloak being that the snow was just beginning to melt and wrapped himself in it. Falling asleep in the cloak, Severus slept fitfully until his alarm spell woke him, but no one else, at a quarter till midnight.

Breathing heavily, Severus forced himself to calm. He thought back to the few pointers that Avery had given him on occlumency and legilimency and tried to implement them. He had read several books and had practiced hard, finding a refreshing clarity of mind in working at something so determinedly. Feeling his spirit still, Severus picked up his broom and set off.

Severus was not the first one to the Astronomy tower but, rather, joined the four who had met him in the common room months ago.

"Ready?" Avery asked, an excited gleam in his eye.

"Yes," Severus replied, voice echoing the confidence that he didn't feel.

"We'll fly to the edge of the apparation barrier and Malfoy will meet us there," Avery said, mounting his broom.

The others followed suit and soon they were off into the night.

"Won't an alarm sound?" Severus hissed to Avery, flying next to him in the dead silence.

"Malfoy is disabling a section in the barrier before we get there," Avery replied.

"He can do that?" Severus asked.

"Yes, now stop asking questions," he snapped.

Severus quieted and didn't speak again until they landed next to the blonde haired man that Severus recognized from his first year. Lucius Malfoy looked him over with mild disdain.

"This is the new one?" he asked.

"Yes," Avery replied.

Malfoy's skeptical look didn't fade.

"He's already brewed two of the hardest potions I could find. They're perfect," Avery said.

Somewhere deep inside, Severus glowed at the praise and felt touched that Avery stood up for him. Nevertheless, he could not help but feel that he shouldn't have ever spoken to him that day in the library.

"Were those the potions you had me deliver to the Dark Lord?" Malfoy asked of Avery.

"Yes," he replied.

Malfoy looked approving in the dim light. "He was most pleased. He said that should he pass our test, he would offer him a position in the ranks."

"Test?" Severus found the voice to ask.

Malfoy grinned and grabbed Severus's arm. In a split second, they were somewhere else, sucked through space and deposited in a sinisterly decorated room. A fire glowed in the hearth but somehow it seemed to suck warmth from the room rather than radiate it. The light was low and yet Severus could make out several hooded figures standing around. He couldn't see their faces.

One by one, Malfoy returned with Avery, Crabbe, Black and Mulciber. When they were all present, one of the figures stepped forward.

"This is the one?" he rasped in a low voice.

"Yes," Malfoy replied.

There was a moment of tense silence and Severus could feel appraising eyes upon him. The figure stepped closer and jabbed a slip of paper at Severus.

"The Dark Lord wants you to brew these two potions," he said in a commanding voice. "After you do, you will present them to him at the next meeting. There will be your test." The man turned to Avery and the others. "The Dark Lord will induct you at the same time. You have already passed the test. Now go."

Severus kept his face carefully blank, whether by his own intentions or by the paralyzing fear which he was currently exhibiting. He nodded once. The figure stepped back and Lucius grabbed his arm again, instantly apparating them back to the outskirts of the Hogwarts grounds. While Severus was waiting for the others to arrive, he read the slip of paper, mouth going dry. Crucianius Concoction and Veritaserum were the two potions which he was tasked with brewing. Veritaserum wasn't the problem; though it would take him a month, Severus had read over it several times and was actually rather eager to test his abilities, seeing as it was one of the hardest potions to brew. On the other hand, Severus knew that Crucianius Concoction was essentially liquid Cruciatus curse. He swallowed hard. And as if the Cruciatus curse was not bad enough, it was more potent when concentrated into a potion. It would take him six months to brew, regardless of his own feelings about the matter.

When Lucius had returned, Severus hung back for a moment, letting the others walk to the edge of the barrier.

In a low voice, he asked, "What is my test going to be?"

"I don't know," Malfoy replied. "Brewing those is certainly part of it."

"But I'm not...I won't have to _give_ anyone the potions, will I?" Severus asked, trying not to let his misgivings shine through in his voice.

Malfoy looked at him. "It would not be unexpected of the Dark Lord to have you administer one of your potions, no."

Severus kept his face straight as he turned forward and pondered that. What had he gotten himself into? Moreover, what had he gotten his poor anonymous victim into? "What was their test?" he risked asking.

"Something much worse than yours."

Severus felt sick to his stomach.

* * *

Watching this unfold once more, Snape felt the urge to heave. He couldn't help but let his mind wander to the first Death Eater that he attended, and Snape shivered at the thought of that night. Feeling the Pensieve's pull towards that memory, Snape almost let the scene melt into that fateful night but resisted. He had to reinforce himself with some sort of mildly positive memory before jumping to one so dark as that which he thought of now. Closing his eyes, Snape thought of Lily.


	5. Heart Be Still

Heart be Still

"Cut them twice," Severus advised. "Make them little cubes."

Lily frowned but did as he told her with the Grevonar Root, forming a small pile of little cubes. She used the flat of her knife to gather them up and dump them in her cauldron. Moving quickly, Lily turned off the flame and stirred it three times, counterclockwise. Instantly, the potion became clear as was desired.

Lily shot Severus a grin. "You're a genius, Sev," she complimented him in earnest.

Severus smiled back at her in a contained way but glowed on the inside. After using a few other shortcuts, he had finished a few minutes ago and was focused on helping Lily along.

"Seriously, how do you know when to change things?" Lily asked him, using a spell to bottle the potion.

Severus shrugged. "Lucky guesses," he replied, knowing that assertion wasn't entirely accurate.

"It's more than that," Lily challenged.

Severus shrugged but didn't reply.

"My goodness!" Slughorn said, bustling over to study Lily's potion. "This is perfect! I believe that you've set a new record, my dear! Ten points to Gryffindor."

"But-" Lily began, shooting Severus a wide-eyed look. He cut her off with a sharp motion and she closed her mouth in a frown. Severus knew that if she would have said something, too much unwanted attention would be drawn to himself. This was not his time to shine, not here. There were more important things now.

"If you're done, maybe you can go around and help the others," Professor Slughorn told her.

"Alright," Lily replied, still seeming uneasy. She slid gracefully off of her stool and padded over to a nearby table, adjusting a Gryffindor girl's cuts.

Severus kept stirring his potion, wondering what he should do now. Deciding that he had plenty of time left in the class to try the technique he had been reading about over the past few weeks, Severus walked to the cupboard to retrieve several ingredients. Borrowing Lily's cauldron, he began mixing a pain relief potion, going solely from memory. He brought the mixture to a boil and reached for the Billywig stings only to realize that he had forgotten them. Severus hurried to the cupboard to fetch them before the critical stage of the potion had passed and stopped suddenly when he overheard the conversation from the table of Gryffindor boys whom Lily was helping.

"How'd you finish so fast anyway? Did that slimeball Snape do it for you?" Sirius asked snidely.

Lily's back was to Severus but he could imagine the look on her face. "No. He just helped me."

James leaned forward. "Come on, how come you'll go out with him and not me anyways? He hasn't seen sunlight in years and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know what Quidditch _is_."

"James," Lupin warned quietly.

"I'm _not _going out with him," Lily responded. "We're just friends."

Severus bristled, hurt by the fact that she chose to refute that fact rather than the insults.

"So does that mean your free to go out with me then?" James queried brightly.

"In your dreams," Lily snapped. She turned on her heel to walk away and Severus hurried to the cabinet, just now remembering his potion.

Before he could return to his station, Severus heard a shriek.

"Merlin!" Slughorn's voice replied.

Severus spun and saw Lily's cauldron, filled with pain relief potion, sputtering and bubbling over. Professor Slughorn waved it all away swiftly and the class calmed.

"Whose potion was that?" he demanded. "Surely not yours, Ms. Evans."

"No, sir," Lily replied, staring at her cauldron with wide eyes.

"Then whose?" Slughorn asked, eying the room.

Masking his chagrin, Severus spoke up. "Mine, sir."

"Yours?" he asked in surprise. "What in Merlin's name were you brewing? Don't try to fool me in saying that was Gehilight's Elixir," Slughorn warned.

"No, sir. I finished that and started brewing a pain relief potion," Severus admitted.

"Whatever for?" Slughorn asked.

A few knowing snickers came from Potter's table and Severus had to force himself not to blush. "Practice."

"Hm," Slughorn grunted. "Be more careful in the future then. Ten points from Slytherin."

A few groans sounded from the students. Severus returned to his desk silently. He bottled his elixir and set to methodically cleaning his equipment when a figure came up to lean on the edge of the table, accompanied by three others.

"So Snivellus," the familiar and widely annoying voice of James Potter said. "Can't even brew a simple pain relief potion? I can do that in my sleep."

"I could curse you in my sleep," Severus muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" James asked, leaning closer with interest.

Severus sneered. "Nothing."

Meanwhile, Sirius Black examined his fingernails. "Are you sure it hasn't been Lily helping _you _with Potions?" He looked around the table with disdain. "You look like you need it."

"Yeah!" Pettigrew piped up, just to be involved in the conversation.

Severus's jaw tightened but he said nothing. "Are you finished?"

Potter ignored him. "Why do you keep trying with Lily anyway?" he asked lightly, curiously. "I mean, it's not like someone like you has a chance. No offense," he added.

_How could that not have been intended to be offensive?_ Severus asked himself, annoyed with Potter. "It seems I have a better chance than an arrogant fool like you. Tell me, how do you keep your balance on that broom?"

"What?"

"Being that you're lacking brains, I would think that you'd be thrown off balance," Severus said. Though the insult was rather lame, Severus said it menacingly and accompanied it with a sneer, providing a nice effect.

Fury shone through Potter's face. "Listen here-" he began, stepping closer to Severus and jabbing a finger at him. Severus remained still and faced him stonily, realizing that they were exactly the same height.

"James! Severus!" Lily called, coming up from behind and cutting Potter off. "Stop fighting."

"But-" Potter began.

"_Stop _tormenting him," Lily insisted.

James shut his mouth with a snap. "Come on," he said, gesturing to his friends with an abrupt hand movement. They stalked off, Sirius throwing a dirty look at Severus over his shoulder. Severus reigned in his anger and returned to his cleaning up, feeling touched that Lily stood up for him. She tapped him on the arm.

"You okay?"

Severus considered her for a moment before replying, "Yes."

It had not occurred to him earlier that she had jumped to the conclusion that he was the one being picked on rather than the one doing the insulting. What kind of Slytherin did that make him out to be? The thought bothered him more than he would care to admit. Severus finished cleaning, careful to not look in Lily's direction, unsure of what his emotions might do at the moment. Perhaps he was no longer in complete control.

* * *

Though it was not quite the scene Snape had in mind when steeling himself to relive his first Death Eater meeting, it would have to do. In the face of fresh hatred of Potter and his cohorts, Snape's mind was clear as he allowed the Pensieve to pull him into the memory that it had been veering towards; the memory that Snape had hoped to avoid forever.

* * *

AN: If you're reading this, please comment! I need to know whether or not to continue.


	6. Death On Two Legs

Death on Two Legs

Snape instinctively melted into the shadows of the dark cellar in which the group of Death Eaters stood. Though he knew that they couldn't see him, laying low was ingrained in his brain. Eventually, he eased his mind with logic and stepped forward to better witness what was happening. Snape wished that he had known then what he knew now; perhaps then things would have turned out differently.

* * *

"Did you bring the potions?" one of the figures rasped hurriedly.

"Yes," Severus replied.

"Don't speak unless spoken to, don't ask questions and address Him only as 'sir' or 'my lord'," he instructed Severus, Avery, Crabbe and Bellatrix, all of which had met up at the end of summer at Malfoy's instruction.

"Who's 'he'?" Severus risked asking.

"Don't ask questions!" the Death Eater snapped.

Severus found out soon enough. A nearly silent gust of wind accompanied the appearance of a tall, would-be handsome man. That is, he would be handsome if it were not for the bloodshot, shrunken eyes and pallid complexion. Paired with the malicious expression on his face, the overall effect was very menacing. Severus could only assume he was the Dark Lord himself. He gulped and forced the discipline on which he had spent all summer working into place.

The man strode forward and paced in front of the line of newcomers. With every echoing step, Severus's heart beat harder, though his face betrayed nothing.

"You're back, Avery," Voldemort said in a low hiss. "I had my doubts."

Avery stood ramrod straight and didn't reply. Bellatrix, however, spoke up.

"_I_ couldn't wait to return, my lord."

The dark man turned his attention to her. "And you are?"

Bella looked hurt. "Bellatrix Black," she replied. "I came with Avery last year, sir."

The Dark Lord made an indifferent sound and caught sight of Severus. He stalked towards him and Severus had to force himself not to flinch. The man's odd eyes studied him for a long moment before snapping to one of the other Death Eaters.

"This is the new one? The potions prodigy?" he asked with a sneer at Severus.

"Yes, my lord."

"He is a child," the Dark Lord shouted. The Death Eater flinched.

"He has brought the potions you asked of him," he replied in a placating tone.

Voldemort's head tilted toward Severus with interest. "Is that so. Give them to me."

Hands near fumbling, Severus withdrew the potions and placed them into the Dark Lord's colorless hand. He held them up to the light, studying them. Then, he uncorked the first and sniffed it. He nodded in approval. "It seems correct. Veritaserum. Well, let's test it, shall we?"

A few of the gathered members laughed. The Dark Lord grinned wickedly and Severus wondered who they were planning to test it on.

"Well?" the Dark Lord demanded, staring at Severus.

"Me, sir?" he asked, clarity dawning.

"But of course," he replied with a horrible smile.

Severus gulped and stepped forward. With unexpectedly strong hands, Voldemort grasped Severus's chin and poured the potion into his mouth. Just before the haze of truth took over his mind, Severus remembered reading a line in an old potions book about occlumency allowing one to fight Veritaserum. With nothing to lose, he gave it a try.

* * *

Snape watched from the wings as his younger self was questioned about his blood status, views on the blood status of others and other sometimes vicious questions. Reflecting upon it now, he was not entirely sure how he had passed this part of the test. Voldemort must have been in dire need of a good potion maker back then for Snape was sure that had a newcomer answered with the same answers at a meeting now, they would be executed. Snape remembered his occlumency as good enough that he was able to hide the fact that he was best friends with a muggle born and that he wasn't a die-hard pureblood supremacist. As he watched himself manage to give passable answers, Snape wondered at what they would have done had he failed the test. It wasn't difficult to guess.

* * *

When Severus came out of his stupor, he found himself sitting on the floor as the Dark Lord spoke with his real Death Eaters. Avery offered him an arm and Severus took it gratefully, using it to pull himself up. After a few moment of clearing his head, the Dark Lord realized that he had come to.

"Ah, you're awake?" he said, stalking over. "You've passed...for now." Voldemort turned to his followers. "Who would like to see this...child complete the second part of his test?"

Some laughed and some jeered but all seemed excited to see it happen, whatever it was. It was not encouraging.

"Bring her in," the Dark Lord commanded in a sharp rasp.

With a bang, two of the Death Eaters heaved open large double doors to make room to levitate in the barely conscious woman. Severus's stomach twisted and he felt sick.

"You believe that muggles are filth, correct?" Voldemort asked Severus.

In a quiet voice, he replied. "Yes, my lord."

"Then give her the second potion." The liquid Cruciatus curse. The Dark Lord offered it to him and with masked reluctance, Severus took it.

Severus stepped forward and knelt beside the woman whose eyes were staring up at him, disoriented. Severus was sure that she had done nothing to deserve the level of pain that he was charged with inflicting. Severus stared into her eyes, trying his hand at nonverbal, wandless legilimency for the first time. He simply had to get a message across for this to work.

_You must pretend to be in horrible pain for both our sakes._

Severus stressed this message and she looked at him in confusion. He could only hope it had gotten through.

"Get on with it," one of the Death Eaters growled.

Slowly, Severus uncorked the bottle and forced her to drink. Instantly, her screams shattered the silence, a horrible unearthly sound. She writhed on the floor and Severus's breath caught in his chest. What if his modifications had not worked? Knowing that the potion would most likely be given to someone as means of torture, Severus had used a complicated process to brew pain relief potion within the Crucianius Concoction. Until now, he was certain of his success but was this muggle really in pain or simply a good actor?

Heart racing, Severus looked around at the laughing and jeering Death Eaters. The Dark Lord himself had a horribly approving smile on his face. In this regard, he seemed to have passed. Looking back down at the panting muggle, she stilled and ceased screaming after several long minutes. Severus legilimized her again and, much to his relief, found no pain but an overwhelming sense of gratitude. He ended the connection before it became suspicious. Standing, Severus moved away.

"Severus Snape," Voldemort hissed. "It seems you have passed, for now." He spun on his heel to pace on the cold stone floor. "Once you're out of _Hogwarts_," he said with a sneer, "I think I can find a place for you in my ranks. Continue to serve me well until then and you shall be rewarded."

Severus stared back at him blankly. "Thank you, sir."

"Avery," the Dark Lord snapped. "He is your charge. Do what you will."

Avery half nodded, half bowed.

"Leave now, all of you," Voldemort commanded. "If I wish for you to return, you will know."

"Yes, my lord," they all echoed.

All at once, four Death Eaters stepped up behind them and grasped their robes, apparating them to where they had met beforehand. The hooded figures disappeared immediately upon their release, leaving Severus and the others standing in the middle of a darkened street.

Avery turned to Severus. "It seems you're in."

Severus never saw the woman again.


	7. It's a Hard Life

It's A Hard Life

As Severus entered his fifth year in Hogwarts, not much had changed. That is, with the exception of his being accepted into the group of Slytherins with whom he had met up over the summer. Though they didn't talk much, they said nothing when Severus sat with them at meals of joined them in the common room. It was odd for Severus to say he was friends with Slytherins for, on the whole, they used to not like him due to his friendship with Lily.

Severus reflected upon this as he sat under a tree near the Whomping Willow, looking out over the lake and watching the autumn leaves fall. He had finished his schoolwork for the day and decided to enjoy one last crisp evening outside before the cold rolled in. Severus closed his eyes and felt the wind on his face.

The sound of all too familiar laughter sent a twinge of annoyance through Severus. This was the perfect evening soon to be ruined by Prissy Potter and his gang.

"Hey Snivellus!" Potter called jeeringly. "What'cha doing out here alone? Don't you know tonight's the full moon?"  
"Yeah, thought you were scared of werewolves," Sirius said with a sneer. "Don't you know that the Forbidden Forest is full of them?"

"Yeah, it is!" Pettigrew chirped.

"I am not scared of werewolves," Severus said in a carefully controlled voice, letting none of his hatred and annoyance show through. He noticed for the first time that Lupin wasn't with them and his eyes narrowed. What were the chances that he had disappeared again on the full moon?

"Oh, shut it. The Whomping Willow probably makes you wet your pants," Black taunted. Potter snickered.

Gritting his teeth and drawing on the same discipline he had learned over the summer, Severus replied, "It is a tree. As long as you stay away from the branches it will not likely uproot itself and come after you.

"Listen to you," Sirius scoffed. "You don't know how to stop the branches, do you?"

Severus was silent but his interest was peaked. "Neither do you," he challenged.

"Sure I do," Sirius said haughtily. "You just press that big knot at the base and-"

Potter elbowed him in the rib. "Shut it!" he hissed.

Severus's eyes narrowed. Assuming that was legitimate, which he had at first doubted that it was, why wouldn't Potter want him to know? Spite? Something told Severus that it was more than that. Potter looked at Severus, seeming worried that he had picked up on whatever he had wanted to hide. Severus hadn't yet but he meant to. Trying out a gentle, subtle form of legilimency, Severus looked into Potter's eyes, seeing only the thoughts on the surface of his mind as if watching a view-screen so as not to give away his presence.

He saw a large, furry form and Severus considered his suspicions confirmed. He narrowed his eyes at Potter and couldn't resist a nasty sneer. Potter's eyes grew wide in recognition when he realized that Severus had figured it out. He tugged at Sirius's elbow.

"Let's go, Sirius," he said quietly.

Sirius shrugged. "Alright." He snapped his fingers and gestured as if calling a dog. "Come on, Peter."

The three of them walked off but before they were out of sight, Severus saw Potter glance back at him. Severus smiled at him.

* * *

Snape waited with his younger self in the shadows of the forest as dusk fell and two figures approached from the castle. Both he and his teenage counterpart knew who they were. Only he, however, knew what would happen next. In retrospect, it seemed almost like Potter had been trying to warn him to leave being that it was the full moon. Almost. Perhaps his brain was addling his interpretation of things, being that he believed that he was close to death and still had grudges to reconcile. Pushing those disturbingly forgiving thoughts to the side, he watched what happened next.

* * *

Severus approached the Whomping Willow only after Madam Pomfrey had hurried back up to the castle. After observing her and Lupin, Severus knew that Black hadn't been lying when he had mentioned the knot on the tree. Searching the ground near the forest for a sufficient stick, Severus thought he heard something in the brush behind him. He turned with a jolt but found nothing, or no one. Grabbing the first stick he saw, Severus hurried to the tree.

The willow's branches swung at him as he hurried to the base, dodging the spiky limbs with expert ease. It was not for lack of agility that Severus didn't play Quidditch. Reaching a spot close enough to reach the knot with the stick, Severus lunged for it and, with pressure applied, the branches stilled. In the relative calm, Severus found a hole at the base of the tree that he had not noticed in his concern about the swinging branches.

After a moment of thought, Severus slipped down the hole.

He landed in a shadowed corridor of sorts, or perhaps it was more of a tunnel. There was a definite earthy smell as Severus crept along, using his hands to guide him in the dark. He did not want to risk lighting his wand. Within a few moments, the mouth of the tunnel acquired a soft blue white glow of the moonlight. Severus stepped forward a half foot when something gripped his shoulder.

With a gasp, Severus spun. He could barely make out the face of James Potter, eyes intense making the sign for silence to his lips. Severus shook his hand off and advanced another step. The exit to the tunnel was now clear and a set of rickety stairs were revealed. At the top stood a large, furry form bathed in moonlight. It let out an unearthly howl as its head snapped their way. Severus couldn't breathe.

"Come on!" Potter hissed, grasping his arm tightly and pulling him away from the sight.

Snapping out of his catatonic state, Severus rushed after him until they were running, almost tripping, but dashing down the tunnel, howls echoing off the walls and chasing them out. Potter scrambled out of the hole first, Severus right behind. They ran straight to the castle, sprinting still. Once inside, Potter collapsed in front of the door and Severus grabbed a railing to catch his breath.

"You bloody fool," Potter snapped between breaths.

"What's a _werewolf _doing at Hogwarts?" Severus hissed back. "He's a menace!"

"Only if you're _stupid_ enough to go down there on a full moon!"

"It's not stupid if you're-"

"Gentlemen," a calm but commanding voice came from the stairs. Professor Dumbledore surveyed them for a moment. "You best come with me."

With a glare at Potter, and after recognizing and ignoring his glare in return, Severus followed the Headmaster to his office. They were directed to the two guest chairs sitting next to each other in front of the Headmaster's desk. Severus sat on the edge of his seat, as far as he could be from Potter. James had done the same.

"I understand that you have glimpsed our dear Remus Lupin in his unfortunate state?" Dumbledore asked in a stern tone, though he didn't seem mad, necessarily.

_Unfortunate state?_ Severus thought to himself with incredulity. "Yes, sir."

"I will have to ask you to swear a vow of secrecy, in that case."

"Sir? Is it really safe to have a werewolf within reach of students?" Severus asked, masking his anger and hatred rather well.

"We have taken precautions," Dumbledore replied. He peered at Severus over his half moon glasses. "Precautions that you seemed keen to flaunt."

Severus looked away and said nothing.

"Mr. Snape, please make a vow of your silence on the matter," Dumbledore urged. "A promise charm should be sufficient."

Severus hesitated.

"Mr. Snape," Professor Dumbledore said in a tone not to be argued with.

Severus withdrew his wand and touched it to the tip of the Headmaster's. "I promise not to reveal the nature of Remus Lupin's condition to anyone while we are both students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Dumbledore raised a brow at this stipulation but sealed the charm. "Thank you. I fear I will have to take twenty points from Slytherin and award them to Gryffindor. Now please, return to your common rooms and do not venture onto school grounds after hours again, especially not in pursuit of something that is quite obviously not meant for you to see."

Severus's face betrayed no expression at that admonishment but he winced internally. "Yes, sir."

"Yes, sir," Potter replied as well.

They left the room, parting in the corridor below after a silent trip down the winding staircase. Severus stalked to his common room without a backwards glance at Potter, much less a "thank you". In his mind, it was Potter and his gang's fault that he was down there. They had tried to kill him or worse: turn him into a werewolf. It was not something that Severus would readily forget.


	8. Who Needs You?

Who Needs You?

Snape stood for a moment amidst the swirl of memories that filled the air. He knew what was coming next. He knew it all too well. The next memory of any importance was the one that had haunted him for years; the one that had literally changed the course of his life. Snape knew he couldn't bear to watch it again. He had seen it far too many times to be able to stand it one more. Therefore, he let it slide by and instead relived the aftermath of that terrible day.

* * *

"Lily, I'm sorry!" Severus said pleadingly, after having cornered her at the edge of the lake.

Lily turned her back. "Save your breath."

"Lily, I didn't mean to call you-"

"Mudblood?" she snapped, spinning with a fire in her eyes to match her hair. "You didn't mean to call me mudblood? Well, if you didn't _mean_ it, I guess that makes everything okay," she said in stinging sarcasm.

"I honestly didn't mean it," Severus said, very near to begging. "It just slipped out."

"Slipped out?" Lily echoed. "Nothing can slip out unless you're trying to keep it in! You've been thinking it for a while haven't you? After you started hanging out with Avery and Bellatrix and them?"

Severus stepped closer and Lily matched with a step back. "Lily, please. They don't mean anything to me."

"Do I?"

"Yes. Everything," Severus said earnestly.

Lily looked at him searchingly. "Why don't I believe that?"

She turned and sprinted up to the castle, leaving Severus stung, hurt and broken. He sank to the ground and put his head in his hands, cursing his very existence. He didn't mean to say that, he really didn't. But there was truth in Lily's words. He had been thinking it. As hard as Severus tried not to, he couldn't deny that after spending so much time with his new Slytherin friends, he was starting to instinctively categorize all that he came in contact with. Purebloods, half-bloods, mudbloods... Severus cursed. None of it was important. Blood status didn't matter. But now he had lost Lily because of it.

Severus stood abruptly. He had to make her see that it didn't matter. He had to, before it was too late. Setting off at a run, he made his way to the castle as dusk fell over the grounds. Severus did not stop for anything until he reached the Gryffindor common room. Deliberately not thinking too hard about it, Severus raised his hand and knocked.

The fat lady gave him an irritated look as the portrait swung open, revealing a short, thin girl with dark hair. "What do _you _want?" she asked in disgust.

"Is Lily there?" Severus asked.

"She doesn't want to talk to you," the girl replied.

"I'll wait," Severus replied firmly.

The girl rolled her eyes. "You can sit here all night and she won't talk to you."

Severus didn't reply but figured it was worth a try. He sat on the hard floor, knees pulled up to his chest and waited. It didn't take long before the portrait hole closed and he was alone. He was so alone.

* * *

Snape watched his pitiful self sit there for hours, fidgeting, sleeping, wallowing in pity. He was disgusted that he didn't have more spine at that age. Then again, he wished that his attempt at winning Lily back had succeeded. If only.

* * *

"How long are you going to sit here, dear?" the fat lady asked gently.

"As long as it takes," Severus muttered.

"You must really like her," the portrait commented. "Young love, what a shame. It's a waste of time, in my opinion."

"Nobody asked you," Severus snapped.

The fat lady huffed. "Fine then. I hope you sit here all night."

Severus closed his eyes and ended up doing almost just that.

It was close to one in the morning when the portrait hole opened again. Lily stepped out in a long dressing gown. Her eyes were red and at first, Severus thought she was just tired. It took a minute to realize she had been crying.

"What do you want?" she demanded with a frown.

"To apologize," Severus said, scrambling to his feet.

"You tried that already."

"But it didn't work," Severus said. He instantly kicked himself, thinking that wasn't the right thing to say. "Please. Blood status isn't important to me, really."

"Sure doesn't seem like it," Lily said coldly.

"But I mean it," Severus said pleadingly.

"You mean it like you meant 'mudblood'? I don't know what you mean anymore," Lily said disparagingly. "Now that you're not friends with me, a mudblood, you're on track to become a Death Eater, right?"

Severus didn't reply for a moment. "We're not friends then?"

Lily gaped at him. "That's your response?" She studied his face. "You don't see anything wrong with being a Death Eater, do you?"

Severus opened his mouth to reply but then snapped it shut, realizing he had nothing to say. It wasn't so bad, was it? The memory of his first meeting had already mellowed in his mind.

Lily shook her head at him. "I don't know who you are anymore, Sev. I'm through with making excuses when I don't even know who I'm defending. Please, just go."

"You don't mean that," Severus said in horror. How had this gone so wrong? At one time, he would have known exactly what to say to her. He would have been able to guess what she said next. Now, Lily was a mystery and one that was quickly slipping away.

"I don't?" Lily snapped, face hardening. "How would you know?"

Severus realized his mistake and had no desire to repeat it. He stayed quiet.

"Go, Severus. Have a nice life," Lily said bitterly.

Severus took one last look at her, tangled red hair, moist green eyes. Then, he walked away. Just like that, the friendship to which he had clung for so many years, the friendship that had gotten him through every hard time, every sorrow, was over. It was with a heavy heart that he returned to his common room. Besides the hurt, there was anger in his heart. Fury, the kind that he could see in the eyes of the other Death Eaters. Severus felt that, now, he could join them with no inhibitions. His conscience was Lily and now she was gone.


	9. Flick of the Wrist

Flick of the Wrist

It was not like he had stopped thinking about her. Quite the opposite, actually. Severus could hardly get her out of his head. He sat, head on his fist, staring across the potions room at the red hair with which he was so familiar. Had been so familiar, he corrected himself. It had been almost a year since he had touched it, had brushed it behind her ear. Angrily, Severus sat up and, on a whim, crushed the Sopophorous bean with the flat of his blade rather than cutting it like the directions told him to. Juice squeezed out plentifully when Severus raised it above the cauldron. His potion turned clear, perfect.

Satisfied, Severus took up his quill and noted the change in his book and its effects. Soon, he will have improved every potion in this book, he thought smugly.

"Ms. Evans, that does not look right," Professor Slughorn noted with concern. "Are you feeling okay, dear?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine," Lily insisted.

"You just seem... off this year."

Severus didn't hear Lily's reply but he didn't need to. He knew why she seemed off. It was because he had always given her his tips, never taking credit. Severus had given her _everything_, far beyond potions tips. And how was he repaid? She had dismissed him, turned him away. And yet he still longed for her friendship. Severus bottled his potion bitterly, then sat back to brood.

He stared at Lily, over there with Potter. They were dating now, Severus had heard. Apparently she didn't find him so abhorrent after all. Looking at the two of them, arms touching, laughing over a hushed joke, sudden inspiration struck for a spell that Severus had been working on for a week or two. He hoped to have something to impress the Dark Lord with beyond potions the next time they met.

"Slashentra," he muttered aloud. It didn't feel right on his tongue. It didn't feel like something with power behind it. "Sectemtra." Not that one either. He didn't know why, but Severus felt like it had to start with an "s". That hissing sound was somehow important. "Slythentia." He frowned. "Sectumsempra."  
As the word left his mouth, Severus felt a rush of energy. Magic filled his veins and was nearly released from the end of his wand. He managed to hold it back, but couldn't hold back a grin. That was the one. He itched to try it. Severus didn't actually know what it would do, but he knew it would be vicious, simply because of the intention behind it.

_Sectumsempra - for enemies_, Severus wrote in his smooth, flowing hand in his potions notebook.

"Did you see that?" a loud voice demanded from Lily's table. "Snivellus just smiled!" Black announced. "I think I have to burn my eyes out."

"Sirius, stop," Lily said, swatting him on the arm.

"What? I thought you didn't like him any more," Black whined.

"That doesn't mean you should be mean," Lily replied.

Black grumbled something unintelligible. In truth, Severus didn't care what they were saying. He didn't care what they thought. He didn't care because now, he had a weapon that they didn't know about. A spell they couldn't counter. For once, Severus was on top.

* * *

Snape released that memory but it made him think of another. The memory in which he found out what his new spell did, exactly.

* * *

"What's this?" Bellatrix asked roughly, snatching Severus's Advanced Potion Making book from its place on the table. She flipped through it.

"My potions book?" Severus replied, sounding unsure.

"What are all these scribbles?"

Severus shrugged. "Improvements. Spells."

"What- your own spells?" she asked, sounding skeptical. "You mean like Sectumsempra?" she read off the top of a page.

"Yes," Severus replied, a bit uncomfortable. "Can I have that back now?"

Bellatrix raised a hand. "Just hold on one second, Snape. Do these things work?"

"The spells?" Severus asked for clarification.

"Yeah."

"Some of them. I haven't tried them all," Severus admitted.

"Then how do you know they're spells?" she demanded.

Severus shrugged. "They just feel right."

Bellatrix let out a huff. "That's hardly good enough. Let's try it, this Sectumsempra."

"Maybe that's not a goo-"

She cut him off with a wave of the hand. "Scared?"

"No," Severus replied defiantly. In reality, the initial fervor of the spell had worn off. He no longer itched to try it and, luckily, Potter and his crew hadn't given him an opportunity to. Now in Bellatrix's hands, he was actually a little worried about what it might do. As with many spells, half of its power lay in the intention of the caster and Bellatrix's mood, morals, sanity...they were all in question, at least in Severus's mind.

"Well then," she said as if that solved everything. "Now, for enemies... Let's see... How about him?"

Severus followed Bellatrix's finger as she pointed to a tall boy, the Beater of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, coming up late from the pitch. He was alone. "Why?"

She grinned. "He's a mudblood."

"I don't think-"

"Sectumsempra!" she cried, aiming at the boy and giving the wand a flick for good measure.

Severus watched, detached, as he crumpled in a pool of blood.

"Gosh, Severus, that was quite a spell," Bellatrix breathed with a gay giggle.

Severus looked at her, masking his horror. It was good that they were alone, he thought in an absurd state of calm. "We have to heal him, we can't let people find out."

"Oh, I suppose you're right," she pouted. "Only one more year, then we can do as we please."

"Come on," Severus said, moving over to the Gryffindor. He muttered some basic healing spells that he had learned at an early age then embellished over the years. He worked for almost a half hour before all the wounds were closed. Bellatrix really put feeling into that curse.

"Reparo," he said, pointing at the boy's robes after removing the blood stains. The gashes in the fabric knitted together. Severus rocked back on his heels, satisfied that he was once again whole.

"I guess we'll have to wipe his memory too, then," Bellatrix said with a strange sort of glee.

"I'll do it," Severus snapped, not trusting her in the least. "Rennervate."

The boy came to, blinking rapidly. "Wha-"

"Obliviate," Severus muttered, delving into the memory of the attack and tossing it aside, wiping away the pain and horror that his spell had caused. The Gryffindor boy would not remember what happened here, but Severus would.


	10. Sail Away Sweet Sister

Sail Away Sweet Sister

Severus left his last N.E.W.T. feeling confident that he had done well and knowing that it didn't matter in the slightest. In a week, he would be "initiated". He would become a Death Eater. Severus knew this, he had come to terms with it.

Yet something held him back.

That something had a name. Lily. Her bright red hair danced as she gaily skipped to the lake, glancing once over her shoulder to see if he was following. At one time, Severus would have been the one she was waiting for. Now, it was him. James Potter. He joined her and they held hands, walking to stand at the edge of the lake. Severus stood in the shadow of a tall tree and looked on. And such was life. Such was _his _life.

Disgusted with them, with himself, Severus turned away. Avery promised him that when he was a true Death Eater, he would have power that Potter couldn't even dream of. Severus tried to find comfort in that but couldn't chase the image of Lily fromm his mind.

The image of what could have been his, could still be his.

Unable to resist, Severus turned back to look once more at the girl he still loved as she stood by the lake, hair fluttering delicately in the warm summer's breeze. He watched her turn to the side, saw her face light up, before he knew what was happening. Potter was down on one knee, offering up a small dark object.

_No, no,_ Severus screamed within. If he had been able to make a sound, his words probably would have come out in a low keen. He staggered towards them without thinking, joining the slowly growing thong.

Potter's voice carried on the breeze. "Lily Evans, the most beautiful, perfect girl in the world. Lily, will you marry me?"

Potter was right on one account, Severus thought numbly. She was the most beautiful, most perfect girl he had ever laid eyes on. And now there was no hope she would ever be his. Severus's breath caught as he pushed through the people blocking his view. No, there was still a chance. She hadn't said yes yet.

Severus broke through the ring of people just as Lily looked up, her green eyes bright with happiness. Severus didn't need legilimency to see that.

"Of course," she breathed. Raising her eyes, she met Severus's.

Severus could only imagine the expression on his face at that moment. One of horror, perhaps, or maybe devastation. Either way, it would reflect what he was feeling inside. Something flickered over Lily's face before Potter stood and enveloped her in a hug, kissing her deeply. Severus didn't wait around to watch. Before they separated, he was gone.

* * *

Snape felt the pain as fresh, as acute, as it had been on that day. Yet somehow, the pain bolstered him to keep going. It grounded him to reality. The pain of being human, of feeling the sting of your dreams, hopes, fantasies crashing into the pit of despair that was slowly overtaking him. As hard as it was for him to do, Snape kept watching.

* * *

Severus wandered about in a daze for the rest of the day, finally finding himself in the gardens as the sun sank below the horizon. He stared out over the rolling hills of the Hogwarts grounds, yearning to run, to get away from here. Seven days, he reminded himself. Seven days and he could do whatever he liked. He would be free, in a whole new way. The chill of the summer's night touched his skin but Severus paid no heed.

"May I sit here?" an all too familiar voice asked from behind Severus.

Severus closed his eyes and didn't reply. He felt the brush of her robes as she sat next to him on the stone bench. He smelled the lavender scent of her hair. It was almost too much to bear without breaking.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Lily said conversationally.

Severus opened his eyes and turned to her. "Shouldn't you be with your fiancé?" he asked with open bitterness.

Lily gave him a look of deep sympathy. "Sev, I know you don't like him, but I do. I love him."

Severus looked away, out over at the horizon. "What do you know of love?" he asked rhetorically. After a beat he said, "So you finally decided to talk to me. Ignored me for two years."

"I saw you were upset and I just wanted to tell you that..." Lily shook her head angrily. "I don't know what I wanted to tell you. I just felt bad. But if you can't be happy for me, for my happiness, then maybe I shouldn't have tried."

Severus didn't look at her, didn't reply.

Lily stood abruptly, irritated. Her fist balled at her sides, ring glinting in the dying light. The shine from the diamond cut through Severus like a knife. "Listen, there's a war coming and it's coming soon. Now, we chose to take happiness where we could find it, would you take that away from me?"

"You are eighteen. Are you really sure you want to marry Potter?" Severus spat, ignoring her point. "I thought he was an 'arrogant toe-rag'," Severus said, using her words from years ago.

"He's changed," Lily snapped. "Obviously you haven't. I'm sorry I felt bad for you. Goodbye, Severus. I guess I won't be seeing you at the wedding."

Lily stormed off and Severus watched her go in an odd state of detachment. He showed no reaction. He wasn't sure he would ever have real emotion again. As she left him there, in the garden- no, as she met his eyes after accepting Potter's proposal, something broke within Severus. Something broke that could never be repaired, never atoned for. As she left him there, now, Severus was free. He was free to do as he pleased, to join the Death Eaters, to help the Dark Lord rise to power. He was free to do that but he would never again be free to love.


	11. If You Can't Beat Them

If You Can't Beat Them

Snape suppressed a shiver as the cold wind blew his hair back. At least, he blamed the shiver on the wind. He stood in the darkened forest in a line of Death Eaters who couldn't see him. Couldn't see him now, that was. They could see the young Snape and, in fact, couldn't take their eyes off of him.

* * *

"Severus Snape," Voldemort said in a low hiss. He paced in front of Severus, who was kneeling on the cold ground, with slow deliberate steps. Voldemort's face was pale, his eyes bloodshot. Severus wondered idly what he looked like when he had been normal. If he had ever been normal. "You have waited long for this day, haven't you?"

"Yes, my lord," Severus replied, eyes on the ground.

"Are you ready to take your place among my closest followers?" the Dark Lord asked, eyeing Severus.

"I am, my lord."

"Look at me, Snape," Voldemort commanded.

With reluctance, Severus raised his eyes to meet Voldemort's. He had be anticipating this; fearing this. Severus had spent many long hours practicing Occlumency to the point that he hoped it was undetectable. He knew that Voldemort would sift through his memories for it only made sense. How else could he be assured Severus was trustworthy? It was not that which caused Severus concern. He was more worried that Voldemort would find the feelings he had for a certain muggle born. In this company, that revelation could be disastrous.

The issue was that she permeated nearly every one of his memories. It would take all of Severus's skill to manipulate what Voldemort saw to the point that he remained ignorant.

Severus knew that toying with the Dark Lord was taking his life in his own hands.

The moment Severus's eyes met the intense ones of the Dark Lord, he was forcibly transported back into a memory. Steering ever so gently and hoping that it was undetectable, Severus found himself in his house as a child. His father, a muggle, drank deeply from a rust colored glass bottle.

"Freaking witch," he muttered, looking at Severus's mother. "Freak wife, freak son," he said, slurring his words. "Worthless. All that _magic_ and she won't even get-got me my li-quor. Waste of space, I say. 'Ear that, boy? Space of waste."

To distract from the fact that he was a half-blood, Severus instilled the memory with hate. He made it seem as if his father was the one who made him begin to hate muggles, a feeling that he supposedly still exhibited today.

When the Dark Lord seemed satisfied with that memory, it switched to another: Bellatrix finding the curse in Severus's notebook and testing it out on a Gryffindor. Luckily, Voldemort was impatient to get through the memories and essentially skipped past the dialogue where Severus had shown his misgivings. Voldemort merely saw her find the spell and the Gryffindor collapse in a puddle of blood. It was enough.

After going through a few more tense moments and a few close calls when Severus's mind strayed to Lily, Voldemort released him.

"Do you swear to be loyal to me and only me? To do as I say?" Voldemort demanded immediately.

"I do," Severus replied.

"Hold out your left arm," the Dark Lord commanded.

Severus did so. Voldemort jerked back his sleeve and pressed his wand to the pale skin of Severus's forearm. Severus gritted his teeth and hissed in pain as his arm burned as if on fire. He tossed his head back and raised his eyes to the sky, willing it to stop. When at last it did, Severus looked down at the fresh black form of the Dark Mark. The snake twisted in and around the skull, tongue flicking over his skin. Severus felt sick, whether from the lingering pain or from seeing the tattoo writhe on his skin. He tried to hide his disgust. At the moment, all Severus wanted to do was to get home and smear some pain relief salve on the thing.

"Congratulations," Voldemort said, offering a hand to help Severus to his feet. "Make the Death Eaters proud."

"I will, my lord."

The other Death Eaters closed in, welcoming him to the group. Severus simply looked at them, dazed and a little overwhelmed. Malfoy, having already been initiated, stepped to his side.

"If the meeting is over, I would request permission to escort Snape home. I have a mask he can borrow," Malfoy said, addressing the Dark Lord.

Voldemort waved a hand to say he didn't care and Malfoy grabbed hold of Severus, apparating him to a dimly lit house.

"Have a seat," he said, gesturing to a chair.

Severus did so gratefully as Malfoy disappeared from the room. His head spun and he closed his eyes for a moment, grateful for the dark silence. When footsteps returned, Severus sat up and tried to look attentive, ignoring the shooting pain in his arm.

"Here," Malfoy said, thrusting a mask at Severus. "It was my first. I've upgraded."

"Thanks," Severus replied, though it didn't come out as very sincere. Really, he sounded a bit sarcastic.

Oddly enough, Malfoy seemed sympathetic. He patted Severus on the shoulder. "You ought to go home and get some rest. Hard night."

"Does it get better?" Severus asked desolately, looking dejectedly at his arm.

"What, the pain? It'll go away in a day or two."

"And the rest?" Severus asked.

"Definitely gets better. You're past the worst, assuming you don't screw up," Malfoy said with a grimace that was less than encouraging.

Severus stood, ready to apparate away. "Thanks for the mask."

Malfoy merely nodded. Severus disposed of any more pleasantries and simply apparated home. He immediately located the salve of which he had been thinking. Moving to the table that took up most of the kitchen in his small apartment, Severus propped his arm up. Smearing the salve across the Dark Mark, relief spread instantly in the form of cool balm. Free to think more clearly now, Severus stared at the black figure, still moving on his skin. His thoughts wandered, drifted and so did his mind. Slowly, Severus fell asleep there at the table, the last image in his mind that of a snake and skull moving in a savage harmony.


	12. Play the Game

Severus stood in front of the mirror, fingering his mask. Idly, he adjusted his long black cloak so that it fell properly over his shoulders, the silver snake clasp's emerald eyes gazing back at him. Malfoy's borrowed mask was gold and silver; ostentatious to say the least. It really was not Severus's style. He resolved to make one of his own as soon as possible. Pressing the mask to his face, the world narrowed into two slits as if he were staring out through snake eyes. Severus secured his hood and looked at himself one more time.

He looked menacing, powerful. He looked in control, intimidating. In short, Severus was what he had always dreamed of being. He was all of the things that he had admired in Malfoy and Nott. Or at least, he looked the part. Stepping back, Severus felt the burn on his arm and apparated away, to his master's side.

A small circle formed around the Dark Lord in the parlor of a dark and decrepit house. He looked out at all of them with a sort of vicious pride and excitement.

"The Order of the Phoenix," he said with a sneer, "grows bolder. I say it is time to put them back in their place." With a wicked grin, the Dark Lord surveyed his followers.

A few of the hooded figures laughed in excitement. Severus stood stonily still, watching.

"They are having a meeting tonight, at the house of Kingsley Shacklebolt. We will strike them hard, when they are least prepared for it. We will make sure that they know what they are up against and that nothing they do to prepare can save them from utter destruction," the Dark Lord said dramatically.

Eager whispers spread around the circle, calling out names that they claimed for themselves. "Can we kill them?" a husky voice asked.

Voldemort smiled slowly. "Only if you make it hurt."

Laughter coursed around like a pulse. Severus could hear his heart beat in his ears. "My Lord, surely it would not be better to wait until they have dissipated to attack? Attacking where they are all together gathered would give them just as much of an advantage of numbers as we."  
The Dark Lord considered him. "Surely you do not expect me to listen take advice on your very first mission?" he asked with a sneer.

Severus looked down obligatorily. "No, master."

More laughter followed.

The Dark Lord addressed Severus again. "Perhaps one day, when I know I can trust you, I might listen," he said before snapping, "Now go! We attack on my command."

As ordered, Severus apparated to the Shacklebolt house, trying to hide his embarrassment. He hadn't been thinking, making a suggestion to Voldemort like that. he was lucky he did not get physically punished. He would have deserved it.

Small pops sounded as the others arrived, stationing themselves around the house in a circle. A light was on in the downstairs window and Severus could see the shadow of someone pacing along the wall. That room would be their target. Severus knew this plan was foolish, flawed, reckless, but there was nothing to do about it. After all, Shacklebolt was an auror, he was bound to have protective spells or an alarm at the very least. They might have the advantage of surprise for the first few minutes, but before long, the Order could orient themselves and become a formidable fighting unit. But one cannot reason with the Dark Lord.

"Gunn is mine," a gruff voice next to him muttered. "Don't touch him."

"I will not," Severus replied earnestly, not feeling the need to ask who or why. To be honest, he wasn't sure who he would go for. It would have to impulse, he supposed.

Severus's Dark Mark burned for a second and he figured that was the signal. Silently, stealthily, all of the Death Eaters made their way across the lawn, closing in on the brightly lit room. It was good that it was night, for their black outfits lent the perfect disguise, naturally.

Someone on the other side of Severus fired the first shot. Their spell shattered the picture window, slamming into the back of the man pacing. He crumpled. In a split second, the Order was up, moving with wands raised. More spells were fired, exchanged through the wide opening in the side of the house. The man who had claimed Gunn appeared to have found him and they engaged in a vicious duel. Someone jumped out and sprinted at the first Death Eater he saw, which happened to be Severus.

"Sectumsempra!" Severus called after waving a block at whatever spell the man had shot at him.

He fell, blood soaking the grass. Severus ran in closer to the house, into the fray. As he passed the fallen stranger, he could not resist glancing to see who it was. When Severus realized that it was not, in fact, a man but a woman with tied back hair slicked with blood, he couldn't stop his heart from picking up. It couldn't be Lily, she wasn't in the Order. As far as he knew.

With a moan, the woman turned her head and Severus saw that her hair was brown. One glimpse at her face and his heart eased. It was not Lily. And therefore she did not matter, Severus thought as he hurried on, shooting spell after spell at the unmasked Order.

* * *

Disgusted with his previous self, Snape wandered over to the woman lying bleeding on the ground. He recognized her now as Emmeline Vance, a witch three years older than him at Hogwarts. She was bright, talented and popular. And now slowly losing her life force. Snape knew that she survived; he had encountered her multiple times since then. And still the callousness with which he had turned away years ago stunned him. Snape could not believe that he had ever been that person. So many times had he told himself and others that he was just going along with the Death Eaters, he was never really like them. Never cold, never cruel. And here, Snape realized that was untrue. He had been like them. He had done horrible things, like he had hurt Vance, with no remorse. And Snape thought of himself, now and then, with nothing but contempt and disgust.


	13. One Vision

One Vision

At last, Snape came to the memory that he had been avoiding for a while now. The moment that, if he could go back and change anything, anything at all, he would redo. Though he donned a hardened mask, the guilt of his actions on this day was eating Snape inside, even now.

* * *

Voldemort paced in front of his Death Eaters, hands clasped behind his back.

"I have a vision of a world free from mudbloods, with muggles in servitude," he rasped. "A world where we, the wizards, the rightful rulers, take our place. We will dominate the land and strike fear in the hearts of our enemies." He came to a stop in front of Severus. "And nothing will stand in our way."

Severus soaked in his words, imagining what it would be like to finally gain the respect for which he yearned so dearly. He could see the people parting to allow him to pass as he walked down the street, bending to pick up his garbage. Severus liked the image.

"Severus," the Dark Lord said, stirring him from his vision. "Go to the Hog's Head. I have arranged for you to meet someone, he will give you some ingredients for a potion I wish you to brew. Now."

"Yes, My Lord," Severus said, disapparating on the spot.

He arrived at the Hog's Head and stepped into the shady bar, looking around for someone who seemed to deal in illegal ingredients. That left just about everyone. He took a seat at the bar, hoping that whoever it was would come up to him, hopefully knowing who he was.

"Can I get you something?" the bartender asked roughly.  
"No," Severus replied simply.

He grunted in dissatisfaction and moved down the line to the next customer. At a low growl in his ear, Severus jumped.

"You Snape?" a man huffed next to him.

"Yes," Severus replied. "You have something for me?"

He nodded, pulling a small package from the folds of his oversized cloak. Severus pocketed it and heard the bell of the door ring as someone entered.

The man frowned. "Dunno why the old man can' leave well enough alone. Gotta come over here an' frown at everyone like he's better 'n us."

Severus glanced over his shoulder to see about whom the shady man was speaking. He glimpsed the familiar grey beard of Dumbledore and immediately turned back, hunched over so that he hopefully wouldn't be recognized.

"Ah, Aberforth, is someone waiting for me?" the man asked in his normal kind and calm voice.

The bartender looked up. "Second room on the right, upstairs. Nutcase, if you ask me, though."

"Then it is good that I didn't," Dumbledore replied with a hint of goodnatured humor.

Aberforth merely grunted as Dumbledore swept off. Severus was certainly curious. He couldn't imagine what the great and respectable Dumbledore would be doing in a place like this at near midnight. At last, this could be his opportunity to earn Voldemort's respect.

Severus waited a few moments until he was fairly certain that Dumbledore had made it to the room upstairs. He casually excused himself, then waited until no one was looking and slipped upstairs, cringing at every squeak of the floorboards. Severus arrived at the second room and pressed his ear to the door.

"So, Sibyl, tell me about your qualifications," Dumbledore's muffled voice said.

In an overdone, by Severus's estimation, mystical voice, she replied, "Well, I am a direct descendant of the Seer Cassandra."

"Have the rest of your family been Seers?"

"Well, no," Sibyl replied, hesitantly. "But it does tend to skip an indefinite number of generations, you see."

"Ah, I see," Dumbledore replied. Gullible old fool. "And have you any teaching experience?"

"I hav-" she cut herself odd with an odd sort of choking sound.

"Sibyl?" Dumbledore asked urgently. "Are you alright?"

In a strange, dry, raspy voice, Sibyl croaked, "_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies-"_

"Silencio!" Dumbledore voice came, cutting off what Severus could hear. His heart raced as he straightened back up. Was she giving a prophecy?

"Hey!" a rough voice came from the stairs. "What are you doing up here? Get outta here!"

"I was looking for the facilities," Severus lied smoothly, miraculously able to keep his head. "It seems I have lost my way."

"There are none here. Get out," Aberforth barked.

Severus obliged, heading back down the stairs and out to the village of Hogsmeade. From there, he apparated directly to the Dark Lord. He arrived in front of the Dark Lord, immediately dropping to one knee.

"Get up," he snapped. "What is it? Was there an issue?"

"No, My Lord," Severus replied, straightening. "I simply wanted to report something I overheard between Dumbledore and a Seer. A prophecy, I am certain."

Voldemort froze, looking at Severus with bloodshot eyes. "Tell me."

Severus relayed what he had heard of the prophecy. "I am sorry, My Lord. He cast a silencing charm as soon as he realized what was happening. That is all that I heard."

"'The power to vanquish the Dark Lord'?" he hissed in surprised horror. "There is no one with such power. No one!" Voldemort growled, resuming his pacing. "I'll find them and kill them, yes... kill them before they even have a chance."

"It is advisable, My Lord," Severus said.

"Who could it be?" Voldemort asked, thinking aloud.

"I do not know, sir."

"Lucius!" Voldemort said, snapping his fingers. The blond haired man hurried over. "Look up all those born in the month of July. And figure out which have defied me three times."

"Yes, sir," he said, hurrying off.

Severus stood stock still as Voldemort continued to pace for several minutes, seeming to process the fact that he could be defeated.

"You did well in bringing this information to me, Severus," Voldemort said, looking over at him. "Perhaps you will make a good Death Eater after all. One I can trust."

"Yes, sir."

"In fact, if I am feeling gracious, you might even be rewarded," the Dark Lord said with an evil grin.

"Thank you, My Lord."

"Now if that Lucius would only hurry up," he growled, turning back for another pass.

As if on cue, Lucius returned. "I found only two that fit the criteria, sir. The Longbottoms' son and the Potters' son."

Severus's blood ran cold.

Voldemort drew in a deep breath. "Ah. Longbottom. They are too weak; a child of theirs could not possibly be a threat to me. The Potters on the other hand...Yes, they have a fight in them." He smiled cruelly. "We'll see how they fight when I head for their son. Yes... I do hope they struggle, I do hope they beg."

Severus's chest tightened. "Are you certain it is not the Longbottom boy? They are, after all, purebloods where Lily Potter is not." It was dangerous reminding Voldemort that Lily was a mudblood but Severus had to make every effort. He knew what would happen if Voldemort decided they needed to be killed.

"That is a point," Voldemort conceded. "Yet Bellatrix tells me that the Longbottoms cracked so easily under the Cruciatus curse. They are weak. Hm... but why should I not just kill both of them? Starting with the Potter boy."

Almost unconsciously, Severus stepped forward. "My Lord, you thought to reward me? Do so by sparing the Potter girl."

Voldemort looked at him, amusement flickering in his eyes. "Want her all to yourself, do you, _Severusss_?"

"Yes, My Lord."

Voldemort grinned again and Severus had to fight back a cringe. "Very well then. I will spare her, unless she is foolish enough to stand in my way."

Severus's breathing eased ever so slightly. "Thank you, sir," he said quietly, hoping that a promise from one of the most evil wizards to walk the earth would be enough.


End file.
